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  1. Surfing is totes last season.
  2. You could well drown in any number of comical ways.
  3. It is very, very dangerous.
  4. The beaches are too crowded anyways.
  5. It is very expensive.
  6. No one looks good in a wetsuit.
  7. Real surfers wee in their wetsuits, which is really gross.
  8. You may get sand in your eyes.
  9. The locals will be mean to you because they are redneck psychos.
  10. Nobody likes a poseur, especially one with a shiny surfboard.
  11. You have to spend way to much time outside away from the XBOX and Call Of Duty won’t play itself.
  12. Surfing is too hard. Takes years and years to get good and nothing is worth committing to you for your whole life.
  13. There’s never any ocean going rollers to surf anyway.
  14. You can’t do it inland, unless you live in Gloucester.
  15. You’ll need a bigger car.
  16. If they do fit it will trash the one you have.
  17. In Britain and Ireland the water is real cold.
  18. Forecasting waves is a real headache.
  19. You need to learn a new language: gnarly, sick, oop, rotor, etc.
  20. Getting into wetsuits is tricky.
  21. You’ll get a silly farmer tan. Now there’s a look that is #winning.
  22. And poo-face tans are, like, dangerous. You can get melanomas and stuff. Which need to be hacked out with a big Dr’s axe.
  23. Your hair will never forgive you. Ever. Especially if you are a lady.
  24. Your sinuses will never forgive you either.
  25. Your partner will not understand. Ever. Sand in the bed, sand in the car, a constant faint smell of piss. You get the picture, they won’t.
  26. Neither will the dog. He likes to be walked, he likes to have a ball thrown with one of those plastic arm things, he does not want to sit on the beach wondering which of the flailing figures in the brine is you.
  27. You have to travel loads. Which is expensive and totes not eco.
  28. Travelling is also very dangerous, the government says so, so ner. You might be forced to have adventures.
  29. You’ll also be exposed to new and alien cultures and that could lead to all kinds of dangerous thinking.
  30. Surfers repulse the opposite sex.
  31. Who wants to be in the sea all day long anyway? You ain’t a dolphin and they have no fun.
  32. You could get eaten by a shark, and that hurts, a lot.
  33. Or washed out to sea in a rip. Which is scary.
  34. The oceans are super polluted. With real human poo. Gross eh!
  35. So you’ll catch icky diseases and cough up a lung, maybe two.
  36. If you surf reefs you will get cut to ribbons. Sliced and diced like cheap steak tartare.
  37. Not to mention urchins. You will get those in your bum.
  38. These wounds need treating with lime. Which hurts as much as you’d expect rubbing acid into an open wound would.
  39. You will find it hard to concentrate at work. Especially when there is a webcast on or a swell brewing.
  40. Being a web surfer is a lot easier. RSI is the only risk. That and being caught cracking off to bad porn.
  41. Surfing is addictive and like nicotine, alcohol and gravy, we all know addictions are bad.
  42. You have to be really fit: lungs like a Grand National horse and shoulders like traction engines required.
  43. You can’t update your social media from the brine.
  44. Beach car parks are expensive.
  45. Did I mention it was dangerous? Totes nasty.
 Argument for being a surfer:
  1. It is the FUNNEST thing in the whole damn world.
  2. See point 1. above…

 
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